Over the past week, I had to take a break from my blog. I hope you forgive me.
I have abandonment issues from when I was an adolescent. Sometimes they creep up and take over my life for a while. I get in a situation where I feel like I did as a child whose parents left her. I withdraw from people and eat a lot of sugary and fatty foods, which, of course, make me feel worse. Even though I've been dealing with it for almost 20 years, the depression takes me by surprise and I need some time to figure things out.
This time, it didn't take me long to realize I had slipped into that little girl who was so alone. Something strange happened this time; I got angry.
I saw the big, gaping hole in the story as to why my mom and dad decided to leave me at friends' and family members houses for 5 days out of every week. I finally questioned why work was that important.
I reached a life-changing conclusion.
One of my favorite scenes from Enlightened
One of my favorite tv shows of the past year was Enlightened on HBO. Laura Dern played a deeply flawed person working desperately to change her life and the lives of those around her. Each week, I would tune in and find myself reaching a great truth.
The episode that affected me the most was "Not Good Enough Mothers." In it, the main character "Amy" learns to see everyone as a child. Instead of being angry at everyone for not being good enough, she sees each person as a little girl or boy who needs more love in his or her life.
I was trying to comfort the hurt child inside of me. My parents were likely doing the same.
Sometimes when we don't understand the behavior of others, it is because the child in them is in control.
Being a (good) parent is the hardest job I ever have had. I understand my parents did the best they could. I try to be the best mother (and daughter) I can be. I hope my children will forgive me for the mistakes I make.